It is no secret..

that my family is highly dysfunctional-from my brothers to my father to my mother to even me. An alcoholic of a father, druggie brothers and an indifferent mother, and an occasionally blunt and insensitive stepfather. It’s not to say that I don’t love them all. Of course I do. It’s just that they’re all quite inconsiderate sometimes. I love my mother more than one can imagine but I just wish she’d listen when I talk. I wish she’d hear the words that I’m saying. I wish she would try to understand and least keep some of the things I say to heart. Instead, she asks me the same question over and over again. I have to tell her multiple times, and it honestly sucks. I just want her to care a little more. Instead, she plays favoritism. It’s no mystery that you loves my brothers more but I love her more than I do my father and yet there is no mutual love there. I even heard her admit it to someone. How bad is that? Of course at the time I played it off as no big deal because I didn’t want to show what was wrong at the moment but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t keep it to heart. It doesn’t mean that I forgot about it. Instead, I repressed it and hoped it wouldn’t come up again but yesterday.. yesterday’s dinner just showed how much she really cared. 

My brothers and I were playing scrabble on my itouch and when it was my turn, Yuton handed it to me. Once it reached my hands, my mom told me to stop hogging the itouch. She asked me why I wasn’t sharing. For one, I just got it.Secondly, it was my itouch to begin with. If I don’t want to share, I don’t have to. It’s not as if my brothers share their things with me. It really showed how much my mom was paying attention to me. 

For the past year, I’ve been telling her I want a Hello Kitty cake because I didn’t get one for my 16th birthday. But yesterday she called me after work and told me that she was just going to get a random cake. I just.. I was really upset because she knows. She knows that I want a Hello Kitty cake and I’ve told her multiple times but she didn’t seem to care. She asked me why it was such a big deal. She just doesn’t get it. 

Sometimes I love my family to death, and other times, I can’t stand how inconsiderate they are. It just sucks.

Why It Matters

I wish I could tell you by a stupid title matters so much to me. She’s right. Ten years from now, no one will care I was captain. I probably wouldn’t care either but if you live in the moment, it matters. It matters because I want to be able to be proud of myself. I know I’m absolutely capable of accomplishing every single thing that this title brings. How can I show someone why it matters if you’re not willing to watch? What do I tell someone who doesn’t want to listen? I can’t make them see me the way I see myself. I can’t make them see what my friends see in me. I can’t show them who I really am because they don’t want to. If they just take the time to really see me, they’d see someone satisfying. But since they don’t, I can’t change that. Mean? I don’t think that’s the right word for me. Judgmental? I don’t think it’s that either. It’s funny because I pretty much only think the best of everyone I know. I don’t have any hidden secrets or opinions about anyone. If I don’t like you, you’ll know. But sadly, not everyone is like that. Not everyone sees only the good in people. It’s funny because the people I admire most, the people I speak the best of, are the ones that speak the worst of me. I am who I am. I realize that if I don’t get this, I’ll still stand and cheer for this team I’ve given my all to. I’ll still stand and clap for the winners. Of course I want this but then again who doesn’t? I don’t want to question anyone’s abilities because you never know what others are capable but I want to sincerely ask these people to reconsider my position. I know they know what I’m perfectly capable of. I’m taking less APs and I dropped out of the election because I wanted captain more than anything else. I want to be happy. Of course I do. If I don’t get captain, I’ll go out there and do something that makes me happy for once then. I’ll start performing again. I’ll start doing things that’ll make a difference in my life. I’ve spent my past few years in high school trying to satisfy everyone, trying to please others. I’ve given up myself for these people. Do they know how much I love to sing? Dance? Perform? I bet not. You say these things about me because I stand strong. I stand for what I believe in. I dare to say that I don’t think a sophomore can handle being swim captain and all the classes they plan to take. I have character. I am my own person and if they don’t like it, I’ll get over it. I don’t want anyone to think that they have to vouch for me but remember, you seniors will not be here next year. Allow the rest of the team to decide. They’ll be the ones that have to deal with next year’s captain. Do you know how much I want this? I don’t do all these gifts and everything so I can get captain. I do it because I want them to look back and miss it. I don’t want them to regret anything. I don’t want to regret anything. I want them to be able to look at that gift and remember who they are. Where you go should not change who you are. These little things, gifts, memories and laughs are you. These things are your past, present and future. These are what last a lifetime. Do they simply not care anymore?

No. Just no. It’s so funny how you think you can just walk into my life whenever you want. You message me with this crappy nickname I’ve never liked and ask me if I want to go out. Keep in mind that you haven’t talked to me in two weeks because you think I don’t have time for you. Newsflash: my life doesn’t revolve around you. You. You are so immature. You lose your temper at the smallest, dumbest things and you don’t even realize it. You give me attitude when I’ve apologized. I don’t have to deal with shit like that. Why should I have to? 

You’ve changed. You’ve changed a lot but I never noticed until graduation. There’s so much about you that I don’t like anymore. I used to be able to tell you everything, my every thought and feeling but you’ve become so judgmental that I can’t tell you anything. I can’t trust you anymore. Every time you say you want to come over, I keep thinking it’s because you want to see my brother and not me. Honestly, I don’t trust you anymore. You don’t care about me. You care about him. Just leave already. I can’t stand it anymore. You give me shit about stupid things. We used to be like yin and yang. Now we couldn’t be further apart. You know what’s the worst part of it all? 

I should miss you. I should miss talking to you. I should miss hanging out with you. But I don’t. Instead, I feel relieved. I feel like I’m free from judgment, from petty fights. Do you know how tiring it is to right with you? I’m sick of it. You’re just so different now. I don’t know how to communicate with you anymore. I just.. can’t stand it. I feel like you’re always try to beat me in every way. I feel like you’re trying to win all the time. You want to take over everything. I feel like you just want to control everything. 

I was not built for your entertainment. I get so sick of you sometimes. I just can’t stand being around you anymore. I really can’t. Maybe with time when things have cooled down, we’ll talk. For now, I want my space.