He Without A Code Name

He who I have loved for almost a year now. He who I have cared for for almost a year now. I can't seem to get him out of my head. I still care about him. Although, things have changed now. I'm allowed to care. I'm allowed to love now.

In a way, I want to stop caring about him so that I can make room to care about someone else. But at the same time, I'm too afraid to let go. When he told me he might move to New York, I do believe I was speechless. I almost cried. I can't imagine this dreadful, dreary existence without him. Is that quite melodramatic to say the least? I do believe so. But.. he matters to me. He always has. He always will. I can't let go. If I let go, everything.. just. I don't know how I should explain this but he means a lot to me. I have innumerable memories with him. In a way, I really can't lose him. In my darkest hours, he was there to be the sun. He was there to make me smile on days I thought I couldn't smile. I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him or not but I do know that he will always matter to me. It seems I say this about almost every guy but I know he's different. I know because when I was dating someone else, I thought of him. I wanted to be around him more than I wanted to be around the guy I was dating. Doesn't that say something? I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to talk to the other guy. And I've liked him the longest. I haven't liked anyone for such a lengthy amount of time in recent years. I've simply been incapable of it. Perhaps it's because I have commitment issues or maybe I don't have commitment issues. Maybe it's the fact that I'm actually still in love with this guy which is why my relationships haven't lasted long. I do believe that is the case.