Another 10 months have passed and it is now 2013. I have had this blog for about four years now, and although I've failed with the upkeep, I think I might come back to blogspot. I'm free here. I can write with no inhibitions. There aren't a million people to judge me or my ideals. I can say what I want.. and in a way, that does scare me. I'm scared of what I'll admit. I'm scared of what I'll remember if I come back here.

I realize now that I don't always need someone to read these posts of mine, as long as I get what I need to say out there. As long as I'm able to relieve myself of the emotional implications that these secrets hold. I'm happier now. I'm relatively carefree.

Things have changed a lot. Henry and I have aired out our dirty laundry. I have, at least. I told him that I used to like him, told him it was one of those heavy crushes. He smiled at me and thought me sweet and silly. He told me I shouldn't have been afraid to lose him, which now that I think about it, probably meant that he liked me just a little too. Any other guy would have been awkward about it, I feel. After talking to Hannah about it, she's actually sort of right. He is a douchebag. He had a girlfriend then and I know for a fact he knew what he was doing.

And that's why he backed off back then. And now I remember.
I'm a little mindblown. You knew I liked you. Ethan talked to you about it. That's why you stood there and smiled at me that day at Ganache. You already knew but you pretended you didn't.

It's okay. It's fine. Now I understand. Now I know.

Anyways, in these past ten months, I started college and have begun to really discover myself. I know I'm not that great of a dancer but that comes with practice and time so maybe I will be better. But I just rediscovered my voice. I'm going to start singing again, I think. I started drinking... a little too much. Hahah, but I've grown out of the phase already. This is what people mean when they say I'm just a bit too mature. This phase usually lasts people much longer but I just don't really care for drinking anymore. Drinking and parties weren't ever really my scene to begin with, which is seems like this huge contradiction considering that I'm one of the most outgoing, bubbliest people you will ever meet in your lifetime. But that's okay with me. Because I prefer a quiet movie night over a blaring party. I prefer a long jam session over dirty dancing at a club. Sure, it'd be nice to go once in awhile but I just like down time.

I was once told that this blog was very selfish and centered around "me". I retorted that it was indeed my blog so I didn't know I was supposed to talk about other people instead but I did understand what he was talking about. I always thought about how I would feel. I was always selfish and thinking only of myself. But I have tried to focus more on other people. I did. It wasn't easy but I tried. It still isn't easy but I don't really mind. I gave up on it. I just want to write whatever pops into my head. I never really had a filter to begin so it doesn't matter much.

There's a letter I should be replying to, but I'm not ready yet. So I won't reply yet. I'm glad I found it though.

8 Months Later

July 14th huh? It's been a while, blogspot. I've been so busy on tumblr that I've neglected you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. But to be fair, many people have fallen on the face of the earth as well so please don't blame me. I feel like I'm trying to piece back together what few pieces left I have of my old life. The life where Annie, Leeann and Ashlee were all my closest friends. The life where I never had to hide any of my feelings. I'm tired. I'm really tired. So much of my life seems meaningless right now. I wish I could feel something other than fatigue and disappointment. I want to feel happiness. I want to feel love. I want to feel like I matter. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to feel like I matter to someone. Where is everyone nowadays? Why do I feel so lost.. These are the things I hide each and every day. No one sees the loneliness because I mask it with that happy, sarcastic smile I wear so well. I miss writing. I miss wearing my heart on my sleeve. I feel so insignificant now. Do I matter to anyone anymore?

He Without A Code Name

He who I have loved for almost a year now. He who I have cared for for almost a year now. I can't seem to get him out of my head. I still care about him. Although, things have changed now. I'm allowed to care. I'm allowed to love now.

In a way, I want to stop caring about him so that I can make room to care about someone else. But at the same time, I'm too afraid to let go. When he told me he might move to New York, I do believe I was speechless. I almost cried. I can't imagine this dreadful, dreary existence without him. Is that quite melodramatic to say the least? I do believe so. But.. he matters to me. He always has. He always will. I can't let go. If I let go, everything.. just. I don't know how I should explain this but he means a lot to me. I have innumerable memories with him. In a way, I really can't lose him. In my darkest hours, he was there to be the sun. He was there to make me smile on days I thought I couldn't smile. I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him or not but I do know that he will always matter to me. It seems I say this about almost every guy but I know he's different. I know because when I was dating someone else, I thought of him. I wanted to be around him more than I wanted to be around the guy I was dating. Doesn't that say something? I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to talk to the other guy. And I've liked him the longest. I haven't liked anyone for such a lengthy amount of time in recent years. I've simply been incapable of it. Perhaps it's because I have commitment issues or maybe I don't have commitment issues. Maybe it's the fact that I'm actually still in love with this guy which is why my relationships haven't lasted long. I do believe that is the case.