My Revelation.

Today after practice, two of my friends brought me coffee. We had a long talk about the things going on within the team. All the drama and bullcrap. It was a nice long talk about everything. About what's right, what's too extreme, what's wrong. Then we went into my backyard because I had to cook. When I was out there cooking after they had left, I realized something. I have been MIA for the longest time. My mind has been elsewhere. Gone. Disappeared. Today, it came back. I realized my body has been around but my heart and soul had been broken so severely that I lost myself. I've always noticed how out of touch I was but I never did anything about it. How did I come to realize this? When I was talking to my friends, I realized I didn't know half the situation. I was so confused. I've finally snapped back to reality.

The place I was in was terrifying. I had no goals, no aspirations, no love, no caring. I didn't want anyone around me. I hardly ever wanted to talk to anyone. I didn't know what the hell was going on in my friends' lives. I pushed people away. That scared me the most. I pushed my closest friends away. In what world does that make sense? In that dark place it did. I didn't care about my grades. I didn't care about my friends' feelings. I didn't write Annie's birthday post yet. Everyone who knows me knows that Annie means the world to me and I would write her a chapter book if I could. I don't know where I was. But I don't ever want to go back.

I know why I was there though. It was because of Angel. He had broken my heart so entirely that I had lost myself. He had broken my spirit, my heart, my mind, and my trust. I felt like he took everything from me. I disappeared. It was because I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I didn't want to talk to anyone who didn't know the situation. For example, Leeann. I didn't want to tell her what was going. I didn't tell her in the first place because I felt as if I told too many people, it would disappear from me. The way Teal disappeared from me. I know that Leeann and Annie care for me and they'd give me the world. But this wasn't something they could help me with.  This wasn't something anyone could help me with.

Another clue? I let my grades drop and not care. I stopped freaking out about little things. Everyone knows I tend to blow things out of proportion and then feel stupid when it's over. I haven't felt like myself in so long. I knew I was out of touch but to be that out of touch is amazing. I know that almost everyone has noticed it. I know Jie has because she knows me best. I'm astonished at how extreme it has gotten. But no worries, I'm finally back and I promise that I'll be that great friend I know I can be.

I feel like I put my friends through so much without me here. My brain has been so muddled for so long. I had forgotten all the faith I had in people. I had forgotten all the faith I have in myself. But today, little bits of me returned. In myself, I saw the rational side. In myself, I saw the person that sees past flaws and imperfections. I gave people the benefit of the doubt. I was starting to slowly return. I honestly feel as if something physical has returned to my body. Oh how I have missed myself. I never imagined that things could get so out of hand.

So my friends, it's been awhile. How have you been?