Everyone Knows

I'm not the type of person to put myself out there. And everyone knows it's cause I'm fucking afraid of being lied to. I normally don't curse on this blog because cursing is for the unintelligible who can't find the right words to say, but like I've said before. I'm a hypocrite. There's only one person who knows what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, because she's the only person I've talked to about this.

She's right, you know. I haven't felt or been like this in a really long time. 'This' as in truly happy. It's been a lonely four years. I won't lie. Ever since Kip, I honestly have not let anyone else in. Just when it's going in the right direction, I close them off, stop and turn around. But this is going in the right direction and I'm scared out of my mind. You have no idea how afraid I am. And I never ever put myself out there. What makes him an exception?

Is it that he still called be beautiful when I was sweating profusely? Is it because he still hugged me when my make-up began to ran down my face? Because he won't leave my side?

I didn't realize how I felt until yesterday. A week after it started. I'm so sure of it now.

She was amazed. But I know why. When was the last time I was excited to see someone? When was the last time I felt butterflies? Certainly not with Teal. The way I felt about Teal was completely different. Sometimes I dreaded seeing Teal. Sometimes I'd be afraid because I know seeing him often makes my heart hurt. I remember, I'd avoid him. When you like someone, you should be happy to see him. I was afraid to see Teal. In what world does that make sense? None. Not in my world and certainly not in your world.

But I'm so scared that this one's going to lie to me and hurt me that way that Kip did. I swear I have the hardest time falling in love cause I'm so afraid of trusting. Fuck the facade that I seem to show at school. Fuck  the demeanor I illuminate. To be honest, I'm afraid of practically everything. But most of all, I'm afraid of falling in love. It scares the living hell out of me.

I guess this is all this post is even about.

I'm afraid.

Edit: Here's something I always forget to do. I always forget to believe in them. I didn't believe in Teal. I didn't believe in Yellow. I didn't believe in Grey or Pink or Green. That's why I lost them. But this one. He's more than just a color to me.