My Life At A Standstill

My life at a standstill gives me time to think. When I have time to think, it means I obviously do not have enough going on in my life. The thing is, that are actually quite a few things going on. I just somehow have time. So what do I think about anyway? I think about Yellow. I have no idea why. But he just seems to always be in my head lately. I always feel abandoned by him. There's no sense of security in our friendship, and it hurts. He's one the few people that have hurt me the deepest. One, him. Two, Kip. Three, Jie. But Jie is forgiven because look at where we are today? It's nuts. At times I feel as if I speak the words she's afraid to admit. My parents love her. And that's all I can ever ask for.

Anyway, I haven't talked to Yellow since before winter break. He texted me but I was quite busy at the time so I told him I'd text him later. I texted him approximately 5 times over winter break. He hasn't responded to any of them. I IMed him a couple of times as well. He's simply one of those people I'm afraid to admit I've lost. I don't want to admit it, because I can't let go of a friend like that. Considering everything that has happened, how could I let go of a friend like that? Sometimes I forgot all the memories we've made. But I really do miss him. Immensely much. He made my worst days one of the best. He made my heart smile. Hopefully we'll talk again soon. We'll see.

My school had a lockdown today. I wasn't at school at the time because I have swim for 6th period and we go to Barnes for practice. At first I thought it was amazing or at least crazy because hardly anything ever happens at my school. It was nuts. The SWAT team was there as well as a million police cars. At first I was a little disappointed that I wasn't there to experience it with my friends, but after I realized how scary it truly was, I was more worried than scared. The story is this. During a routine check, the canine smelled something in one of the students' backpacks. They opened it to find a handgun. When they identified the owner of the backpack, they found another gun hidden in his pants. Apparently three other students were arrested as well. One of them being someone I strongly dislike. However, I do feel remorse for feeling a bit happy about him getting arrested. That wasn't nice of me. My little sister texted me during the lockdown. She was stuck inside her Spanish class, and she was freaking out. She was hungry and really needed to go to the restroom. Many of friends had guns pointed at them and got yelled at as well. It disturbs me to see police men and policewomen speaking to high school students that way. I understand that there are a few bad apples. However it doesn't give them the right to yell at them in that manner. Maybe it's because they have guns. It scares me. It really does. If it wasn't a student. If it was actually some kind of criminal. What would we do then? My mind pops to the worst case scenario and it makes my body go numb. I was sort of hoping we didn't have school tomorrow. No such luck.

Annie made me the most wonderful playlist. It was a word document with a list of songs, and beside every song there was a reason for why she listed that song. It brought tears to my eyes because I never thought someone would go through the trouble of doing something like that for me. I thought it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. Aside from Yellow walking three hours, I've never met anyone quite like her. She brings a smile to my face every single time I talk her. She cares about whether I'm actually focusing on my work. She's just so amazing. And I love her. I love you Annie. you are truly one of the most amazing people I've ever met.

Leeann. Oh my love. She's been hurting lately and it hurts me to see her that way. It also sucks that something would happen to her and I'd have to find out from someone else. She said she didn't want to worry me. But it worries me more that she's not telling me. I want her to feel like she can trust me. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything. Because she can. And because I believe in her, and I'll stand by her always.

Brian, don't give me a reason to hate you. Because I certainly will hurt you if you hurt her. No joke.

I believe that is about it. If anything, I'll post soon. Goodbye Loves.