Too many broken hearts.

You know, I think about him sometimes. Philip, I mean. When I do, I remember how I screwed it up. It was a little over a year ago. To be exact, it was April 11, 2008. It was the last message I received from him. To the world, it would've seemed like a "break up". To us? It was much worse. And it breaks my heart because I remember that I was the one who ended it. And oh boy do I regret it.

I've always hated doing things that I know I will regret. I was younger then. Two years younger. Young and foolish. Often times I think about what could've been. I used be to able to tell him anything and everything. There were so secrets. I was naive. I was immature. And I was petty. He would try to make me jealous, and I would try to make him jealous. It was fun and games.

I have mixed emotions about all this. You know why? Because I would spend all night on the phone with him. And being on the phone reminds me of Kip. That definitely changed me. That's another story for another time.

I talked to him earlier to tonight. I told him how I missed telling him everything. And he said that he remembered those better days. Then he said "then something happened and you just left me." That sent an arrow through my heart. My response? "I know. I'm sorry." What I should've said?

     "I wish I hadn't" 

I'm smarter than to regret a decision I make. But I sometimes wonder why I let him go in the first place. Then I remember. It was because of Japan. Summer was fast approaching and I was hoping to see Japan again. Now that I think about it, I gave up so much because of Japan. I gave up someone who really cared about me. I was in a sense juggling guys at the time. (More stories for another time)

Some of the exact words I said to him in our goodbye?

i'm sorry. but it's just easier at this point. i'm sorry. find someone who will love you back. find someone who's.. everything you want/ unlike me [: 

His reply?

So you think that i'm thinking that your not the one i want? -0- B. I was kidding about me flirting with other girls, i never do the way i did with you. -_- I just wanted to see how you reacted. Wow, alright then b. just ending it here without hearing my side of the story... I got you. Your not what i expected you to be... "/ Nice knowing you either way.  

Since then, I've talked to him a few times. He's just like Yellow. He's a breath of fresh air. He's someone I miss. He's someone I wish I hadn't lost. He's someone I wish will come back into my life.

And it's here that I will apologize to him.

Dear Philip, I'm sorry.  You're right. I did just leave you. And that was wrong. But you know what? I look back and I realize, I did because I really did hope that you would find someone who really cares about you. Someone who can love you better than I can. I'm not very capable of caring for someone. I tend to ignore the things I don't want to hear. I tend to be self-absorbed. I'm selfish. I'm conceited. I'm a million things. But there's one thing I know. I never intended to hurt you. And I'm hoping it didn't leave a bad last impression. The person that I was before and the person I am now are still the same, but perhaps with a few better qualities. It's not as if I don't regret what I did. My point? I still care. I know that things can never be the way they were. I know that we can never be as close as we used to. All in all, I want you to be happy, and I honestly hope that you are. Cause that's exactly same thing that I wanted for you last year. Forgive me.

I've seen too many hearts break. I've got too many stories to tell. 

& I wish I didn't.