Emergency Unit

Hello fellow readers. I know I haven't blogged in awhile. You know, I'm starting to question who I started this blog for. I've started to question a lot of things.

On Sunday, Vince said some things to me that weren't pleasant to my ears. But they were necessary. He said I acted as if the world revolved around me. He told me that after he had read my blog. My first reaction was to defend my blog. I gave this whole speech about how it's my blog. I write things about me. I said I didn't start this blog for anyone else. But now that I think about it, I remember I once said I wanted to 'change the world.' The goal still exists. He said I acted that way in my blog, and in reality. Of course I've always thought of myself as a good person. (I'm sure that gave you a laugh.) I've never thought of myself as self centered. However, I've also never sympathized fully. After a few days of self reflection, I realize that he was right. I guess in situations, I never put myself in their shoes. If it involved me, I always thought about how I felt, and how others should treat me. I never thought about how I should treat them, and how they're feeling. That's one of the many things I have always pushed aside. And I obviously regret it. Because it got me to where I am now with certain people.

Now how in the world did I realize Vince was right? I'm so stubborn and pig headed. Why would I admit such a bad thing about myself? Because Vince has been by my side for a very long time. He's been with me through many situations. That and I've been watching dramas again. They've taught me things. Don't you just love dramas? Haha. Also because.. this time last summer, I had some of the most amazing online bunch of friends. A few whom I had grown very close to. I know it's ridiculous to be able to grow so close to someone I met online. But for those of you whom have never made an online friend, you most likely won't understand. There was this one guy who lives only a city away from me. But he was always busy and we never had the chance to meet up. I grew very upset, because he lived in the neighboring city. It would take him only 10 minutes to drive to my place, and yet he never did. The thing is, he called me his best friend. He told me many things, and vice versa. Winter of last year, I couldn't handle it anymore, and I got into a big fight with him.

Let's call him Gold. I had told Gold how I couldn't deal with being "best friends" with someone I had never met before. Gold got very upset. He said it was cause I couldn't go out. Which made it impossible for us to meet up. It was true. But we're both stubborn. So what did he do next? He said that he couldn't take it either. So he decided that we shouldn't be friends anymore. From then on, he stopped talking to me. Obviously it hurt. But I had reality to live for. So I went on.

I thought about how I had lost Gold, and I felt that it was my fault. So I texted him today. In all the previous times I had texted him, he had never texted back. But today, he replied. And I already knew what I wanted to say. However, when I brought up what happened, he told me not to worry about it, and that it's in the past. The thing is, it'll never be in the past. Because it still stands to be true.

To be honest, I had failed to look at the situation from his shoes. Gold is Pink's age. He's extremely accomplished, and he's a good friend. I really did fail as a 'best friend' to look at the situation from his point of view. And obviously I feel regret. But it's pointless for me to keep thinking about it if he already has.

Same goes for Green, Pink, and Grey. I failed to look at all the situations from their point of view. I failed to look at it from Vince's point of view, and I call myself his best friend. I've probably let so many people down because of my selfishness. I try so hard to be selfless. But obviously it's not enough. I failed to truly sympathize. I failed to put myself in their shoes. I guess, I let my emotions become more important than everyone else's. And that's not the way life should be lived. Although you shouldn't ignore your own desires, you still have to account for the other party. For everyone I have ever hurt, lost, or failed to sympathize with, I'll take this chance to apologize.

And this is to Green. For all the million times I screwed up. For all the million mean things I have ever uttered. And for all the million times I failed to look at the situation from your shoes, I'm sorry. It wasn't worth losing a friend.

And to Grey, I hope I haven't lost a friend in you.

And here's to anyone I've ever hurt, I'm sorry.
I take this chance to apologize for either hurting you physically, mentally, and/or emotionally.
It was truly unintentional.

Here's your blog Leeann.
I hope you're happy with it. (=

Edit: There's one more person that I have to apologize to. Black. I'm a bad person, and I know it. I shouldn't have pushed you away. You're a really good friend. I'm just a bad one. Haha. What's funny is, I liked you first. I remember the day you told me you liked Teal. It was like a scene from a movie. After you walked away, it started to rain, and I started to cry. I guess at that point, I let go. Then when I asked you to the dance, I did start having a slight crush on you again. But when you started to reciprocate, I shied away. I ignored you, and distanced myself. I shouldn't have. I also used another guy to push you away. I really really shouldn't have. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for distancing myself, cause now I've lost a great friend. I know you'll never see this, but if by some miracle, that one day you do, then know, that you didn't deserve what I did to you. But I'll fix things with you. I promise.