I'm Still Waiting

"I'm waiting for the day when I ask "What are you thinking?" and you answer with one word.. "You" It's what I want more than... anything"

So much has happened in the past two days. You would not believe.

First there's Pink, Brandon Louie, Teddy Bear, Orange, Yellow, and everything.

Let me try to think it over.

On Thursday night, Teddy Bear posted a bulletin about this annoying girl that kept bugging him. For a moment, I thought he was talking about me, and that night, I had a dream that he told me it wasn't. On Friday, I texted him in class, and it turns out, it really isn't me. However, while I was texting him back, my teacher took my phone away. I asked when I could have it back and she said after school but I said I couldn't because I had practice so she gave me my phone back. She was in a good mood. When Ernest asked why I asked, I told him that I thought he was talking about me and he said that the description didn't even fit. I thought to myself, "Thank God!" It means he doesn't think of me that way! I'm really glad he's so honest with me.

In first period, my mandarin teacher was wearing a thin bra and we could see through her shirt perfectly. Her nipples were popping out the whole day and it was the most distracting thing on earth. Joseph made some funny jokes about it today when I was at the library working on my project.

I have countless things to do, and I haven't done any of my homework and I have so much to do tomorrow.

Orange is having some problems of his own. He told me he'd open up to me from now on and he'd be the real him. He revealed to me that he used to think that he had to act cool around me because of HOE. I hope he realizes that's not the kind of friend I want. I want someone who can be themselves around me, not someone who thinks he needs to be cool. It worked for about two days. Now he's closed up and reserved again. It sucks so much. I care about him, and I don't think I can stand being around him anymore. I'm really tired of everything. I know he'll read this. I'll tell you now Orange, I'm having an off night. I've been thinking about everything.

I helped Cire make a facebook. I added practically everyone for him. Well most people anyway. It was really nice talking to him because I've had deep conversations with before but the other day, he told me he really trusted me. And it felt so good to hear that. We hardly talk, but when we do, it just works. I'm really glad he's into something other than clothes and stuff. He's been trying to focus on other things and I'm just so happy for him! <3>

Yesterday during practice, I got subbed out during polo. When I looked over to the swim side, I saw all the swimmers on one side of the pool and the lifeguards and Perez surrounding a body. Everyone got really curious and started asking who it was. Turns out Brandon Louie passed out in the water and had turned blue. Curtis dragged him to the other side and called attention to him. Brandon Louie was unconscious. When he finally became conscious, he had a seizure. It was the scariest thing ever. It was the first time I'd seen a seizure. I was worried as hell. When he had a seizure, Josh started laughing but it turns out Josh didn't even know Brandon Louie was having a seizure. It was just perfect timing. /= I thought it was so rude, but then someone told me, later, that he was laughing at Wade because Wade didn't realize what the heck was going on. Everyone had to evacuate out of the pool. The ambulance came soon after. He was conscious when the ambulance came, but we were all so worried. I'm really proud and grateful of Curtis because he was the only one who realized what was going on. He was so calm and collected! I hope you're feeling better Brandon!<3>

I change my mind. I have nothing to say about Yellow right now. Wait, actually I do. I was writing in the journal today and I thought back to when Yellow and I were especially close. He was one of the problems back then but now he's just someone I can talk to to get away from everything. He's one of the only people that make me feel like everything else doesn't matter. A lot of it is stupid.

Jie's really not coming back. Because of one person. I think it's stupid, but obviously anything I say won't change her mind, so it's pointless. I don't want to talk to her about the things she could've done. I don't want to talk to her about polo. If she's not coming back, it's pointless. I'm not interested in wasting my time trying to convince her when she won't listen. I hear her. I really do. But there's nothing else I can do anymore.

Jie introduced to me PostSecret. I think the site is amazing. There's so many things on there. It's this site where you can post your secret and no one can judge you. There's this one picture I found that I'm in love with. It's really great, and it explains how I feel. It reminds me of all the times I've asked Green, "What are you thinking about?" But he doesn't matter anymore. Things have obviously changed. I started a 2nd letter to him today. I never finished it because Dinosaur showed up.

Dinosaur's my project partner. He sits in front of me in bio. He's a really great guy. He never gets mad at me and he actually listens. Today, we were at the library working and his friend Brandon kept coming over. Brandon creeped me out cause Dino and I both suspected he kept coming over to talk to me. He kept saying my name too. -__- Creepy. Anyway, Dino is such a nice guy. We walked over to the donut shop after he called my dad. I wanted to bite on something so I grabbed a donut. Dino offered to pay for me but what kind of girl would I be if I let him? He's not my boyfriend or anything. Goh once told me that you can tell a good girl from a bad one by the way she acts on a date. If she offers to pay for herself, then she's worth it. If she expects the guy to pay, then she's materialistic and not worth it. Although my mom believes that the guy should pay, I like being able to take care of myself. Ever since Goh told me, I've been trying my best to be the kind of girl that's worth it.

Jason has always been there for me. But when he went off to college, we hardly got to talk. Now that he's left Berkley, he's thinking about going to Columbia. At this point, I stopped caring. I met her a year ago on an Asian drama site. He lives in a neighboring city, and I have never met him. Tell me how that is possible. I really care about him. He's one of my best friends. But I can't stand how we've never met. We were texting and we were disagreeing. And he said maybe we should end the friendship. It's true I've been upset that we haven't met yet, but it's not worth throwing a friendship away. I realize that he doesn't realize that. I'm having a really off night so I guess it doesn't matter for now.

I have so much to do and it's insane. So much projects and homeworks and finals to study for. Anyway I was texting Pink and we had a really cute conversation that ensured that I will have a for sure outing with him soon. (: We were talking about his day and how he went to WingStop. He didn't recommended and I brought up how much I liked Hooter's. He said he'd never been there and I asked how that was even possible. He replied that the guys never took him. So I, being the "awesome" person I am, I told him, "Then I should! Wait.. I can't drive! LOL" Then he replied that with "LMAO SO RANDOM haahaha for sure? I'll hold u to it haha" Note that I used to like Pink a lot. Though he's 4 years older, he matters to me. And I'm really I have something to look forward to. I hope I can go to Slim Jim's party because I already payed for Pink. And if I don't get to go, that would just suck.

That reminds me, I have my swim banquet this Thursday, and I'm way excited! Jie got the swim teeshirts done today. I'm really excited to see how they came out. Jie and Shorty bought the tees from Forever and got them printed at this kiosk at the mall.

Then there's my dad. I was supposed to go out to dinner with him last night. When my brother asked him if we were still going, he said no. I got really annoyed. He didn't even have the decency to call me and apologize. Three weeks to call back, and set up a dinner and then we don't even go! I can't believe it. He and my cousin Linda got into a bad argument over the week and now I'm starting to think the dinner was more about Linda leaving for Hawaii than it was about celebrating my birthday. He doesn't care about me and I officially give up on my father.

Everyone has been causing me to leave faith in them. I can't stand it. I need something to believe in. Give me something to believe in.