The Decision Is Yours

I just texted my best friend, Jason, and I told him I think his name is really pretty. He texted back replying that I just made his day. At that point, I decided to change my AIM status to "waiting for someone to make my day." But then I realized, am I really going to wait around for someone to make my day, or shall I make my own day? I believe that who you are and your life should not be defined by the actions of others. That goes for every situation. Blaming others is a useless excuse that is not needed in society. If perhaps the blame really is the others, you should have evidence to back it up.

I was in the water today playing polo, and as I was swimming towards the goal with the ball, my opponent grabbed onto me which prevented me from swimming any farther. My coach, whom we will call the Great Wall, said that I should've kept going. I was completely annoyed because I had no way of possibly moving when someone had their grasp on me. Therefore my coach told me that since my opponent (whom was a guy) had already starting playing dirty, I might as well do the same. I thought about it and recalled when we played against Montebello. Montebello was an extraordinary team that played clean, very clean. I was extremely impressed and I strived to be like them. I'm not a dirty player, or at least I try not to be. Sometimes I let things slip. If you have no idea what water polo is, you are missing out. It's a contact sport that can be very violent. It requires lots of strength but also smarts. I am in love with the game.

Moving on. My day was relatively productive so far. I tried my best to make up the work I had not been doing. (Mostly English.) I've had quite a few friends yell at me for not doing it. (Not that my grade has been affected anyway.) Anywho, I've decided to catch up on To Kill a Mocking Bird. I've heard that it's an extremely good book. I've yet to read it, but yeah.

For anyone who cares, I've made up with Green. But what I realized today is that he's no longer a large part of my life bcause I've taken it upon myself to become the friend I was when I first met him back in January. I miss the simple inside jokes, and that's what I'm going back to. (: I've realized what I want. And he is obviously not it. (: I can now go through a day without wanting to talk to him. I believe all this fighting has helped me to let go. That's what I do best anyway. Start a fight to get away from a person. (: It has never failed me. Well aside from me and the other person stop talking anyway.

My father forgot my birthday. He called me this past Saturday to tell me that he didn't forget when he clearly did. He said that he's had a lot on his mind with the divorce and all. Honestly, I didn't believe him. He told me that my two brothers and I are the most important things to him. If that's really true, he really needs to start showing it. I've lost my faith in my own father. He said he's going to make it up to me. We supposed to go out to dinner this Friday night. I've been thinking about it all weekend. I don't know if I really want to go. I'm still really angry at him. I don't understand why he'd try to play it off like he didn't forget. On top of that, he said he'd do anything for us, and he'd pay for our education. But when I ask him to pay for my summer school fees, he simply refuses to. It takes so much out of me because he and my mother put so much pressure on me to the point where I can't stand it. They expect so much from me. They expect me to be Supergirl. I'm not. I'm simply human. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents unconditionally. But hearing the rumors about my father, I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I'm not sure if my father deserves my love anymore.

Teddy Bear revealed some things to me last night that made me really upset. I never perceived him as the type to do the things he did. He's such a nice guy and he's extremely honest with me, and I cannot stress enough about how much I love that. But he also told me about Orange. Orange worries me. A simple thing he told me yesterday really upset me. It's not the path I want him to go down. I care about Orange a lot obviously, but it's possible I care about Green more. Either way, the point is, I care. However, I've been hearing rumors that Orange is not simply one person. I hear that he has many facades and that honestly worries me. I want to know who he is. I want to know the only person he is, not the million different people he can be. I'm not interested in making friends with fake people. It's not only things I hear. I feel it in the way he talks to me. He's never truly listening to what I have to say. The only time I felt he was honestly listening was when Green and I were fighting. Oh well. Stuff happens.

What shall I name this other guy? I'll name him Yellow. Yellow. Yellow is a very special person. We have a history, and I can't say that it's the best. What I remember, is that he wrote these beautiful poems. He was just as into writing, music, and life as I was. We don't always get along. There are many things we disagree about, but the difference is that he makes me feel safe. Even if he's not by my side. Same goes for Pink. He might not always be here, but I know he's here when I need him. He's there when it counts and vice versa. Pink and Yellow are special. (:

It's been a long day. Everyone's days have been going downhill. The night is young, and much could happen. Until then, I'll blog soon.